If someone comes to you in grief and says that there mom just died, it would be insensitive to respond with, “so what! My mom died too and you don’t see me crying and grieving like you are!”
You needn't explain to me what empathy is and your example of the deceased mother is full of holes because you're not comparing apples to apples.
If you wanted to use the example of the death of a mother as an equal comparison, you'd have to say that your mother died and no one suffers the way a black person does when their mother dies. to which I would have responded with examples of how much I too suffered when my mom died.
Instead you gave examples of things you had to put up with because of your race as if no one else could possibly have had those things happen except a black man. I responded with examples of my own that demonstrated that as a White Man, I too have experience with being treated unfairly. I didn't say "So What?" It's just that you didn't like hearing that so you concluded that I was discounting your experience and being unempathetic when in reality it's you who is discounting the possibility that a privileged white male could possibly have anything comparable to complain about when it come to being treated unfairly. It's easier to find fault with me than to consider the possibility that others may actually have a valid point.
My parents brought me and my siblings to this country when I was small. My Dad worked his regular job and cleaned his office building and other medical offices at night and on the weekends. I as an 8 year old boy and all the way through high school (except for meeting nights) worked all night and on weekends with him and went to school the next day and struggled to stay awake and learn. My best JW friend was a black kid and we grew up together from 1st grade to 12 grade practically living at each others homes, we even went to Bethel together. His Elder father got a 0 interest minority loan to start his own business. They had every material advantage, drove fancy cars had new clothes and went on lots of expensive vacations. He and I were out in the door to door work one Saturday and there was a house that had lots of cat figurines in the yard and a sign on the door that said "No Dogs Allowed" My friend told me that the sign meant that they didn't want black people at their house. He was skeptical as I explained to him that these people were cat lovers and the sign was probably a joke or at the very least, meant to protect their cats. He wasn't convinced even when the people were very nice to us.
One day during summer vacation his sister Ann was staying overnight with my sister. The nice kid across the street was in Band class at school with her (she played the Clarinet) and he called out , " Hi Annie...how's the Ol' Licorice Stick?" She burst into tears and ran into the house crying to my mother that the boy across the street is prejudice and called her a Licorice Stick because she's black. Later, the boy explained that in Band class, they call the Clarinet a Licorice Stick because it's straight and black and shiny like a licorice stick and he was just wondering how she was doing over the summer vacation. My friends parents were the warmest loveliest people but they kept a wall up, kept everyone at arms length only associated with black people from their old congregation and I heard them teach their kids in subtle ways, that white people were out to get them and not to be trusted.
My parents were white of course and spoke their own language but English was their 1st language and they spoke it perfectly. They were both well educated. As soon as they opened their mouths to speak their European accent became evident. I heard people tell them off for coming to this country and taking their jobs away. I heard JW's say to my highly educated school teacher mother "For a foreigner, you sure do speak good American " ( not English well, but good American.) They were good dancers and they had black people comment that they dance real good...f
or white folks! As if all white people have no sense of rhythm and that was supposed to be a big compliment coming from them who considered their way of dancing to be the gold standard
.
We came to this country and were automatically included in the racial mess that was going on here for hundreds of years even though none of our ancestors had anything to do with it.
There are millions of white people in the same situation but when (some) black people see us, and they automatically assume we are against them simply because of our skin color. I was in Charlotte N.C recently and a black woman at a fast food restaurant was courteous to the entire line of black people who were ahead of me. When I stepped up to the counter she wouldn't even look at me or ask me what I wanted. I could see what was happening so I went ahead and gave my order and she made no indication that she even heard me. When the food came she put the bag and my change on the counter out of my reach and I had to reach over into her work space and get it and pick each coin up off the metal counter one by one as she smirked.
When I was in Bethel, I was riding on the subway home from meeting and stood up to give my seat to a weary looking older black woman. She said "Sit your white ass down Cracker !!"
I'm a City Inspector and recently had to ask a black woman not to park in the employee parking lot. I said, excuse me Mam' you probably didn't realize it but this area is for City Vehicles. I need to ask you to move your car. In the most hateful contemptuous voice she said, "Don't be telin' me what to do WHITE MAN !"
A middle aged black woman in my office was fired after a year of being warned not to be late and not to call in sick so often. Everyone loved her and hated to see her go but she just wouldn't change. On the day of the firing, she slammed out of the Directors office, shoved the phones and computer off his secretaries desk, smashed a printer to the floor and kicked over a plant stand. If a white woman did that, the cops would have been called and she'd have been fined for the damages. Instead, all the white people in charge felt bad for the poor underprivileged black lady and let it go. Later she sued for discrimination and fortunately, her supervisor had kept meticulous records and took photos of the damage she did. All the other black employees in the office knew she was in the wrong but wouldn't come to the Directors defense for fear of looking like traitors.I don't really know why I'm bothered to go into all that other than to show that everyone has a story to tell but when you indicate to me that I don't have empathy or say that I'm trying to deflect or invalidate your experience, I suggest that you consider the idea that when you're participating in a discussion on an open forum and when someone relates their own experience, they aren't necessarily trying to be unempathetic or undermine yours, they are simply participating in the discussion.
